April Sadness

Have you ever felt like your not enough? Well, someone made me feel that way. I like this kid, lets call him j, so i started liking him a while ago, and he is in my friend group. He had this dare to like, hug me, and he couldve just done it quickly or put one arm around me, but he decides to run away, and say eww i dont wanna touch her… that made me feel horrible. I would look in the mirror, and think im the ugliest person ever. before him, i was real confident. But it all changed, he kept on doing that, and he made me feel more insecure. He didnt like me, he never did, he would always consider me a friend. I am a size 0, and i have 36 hips, so i wasnt fat. but he made me feel as if i wasnt active, i would get into the same sports as him, i would change myself for him, but it never would happen. He never liked me like that, I started to lose myself. my smile was becoming more and more fake, i thought i was more and more ugly in pictures. I would cry every night, i was trash to myself. I would work out everyday to become faster, and grow muscle in my arm to become stronger. Everything i did, he never liked me. Now, i still like him, and cant get out of being ‘ugly’, my smile is still fake, i just want to leave, and move away with my family, i make conversation with him, and he just leaves, leaves me sad and alone, and he doesnt care, he doesnt care for me, or anyone other than this other girl, i can never get anyone, sadly there isnt a happy ending to this, but i am working on my self confidence, no one else knows how i feel, no one, except me, no one knows i cry every night, how i look in the mirror in disgust, i have been avoiding mirrors, unless if i am doing my hair, it is taking less and less time to do my hair, and get ready, because i stop caring, i still have my outfits on point, and my hair curly, but one thing i want to change the most is my face, this other girl, lets call her r, gets every guy, every guy, she is athletic, and cna become friends with anyone, and can make any guy like her, he would rather spend time with her than me, and she has a bf, and she knows i like him, but she still decides to hang around him, and make me look stupid.. because i am, im an ugly, unathletic, fat, unlikable, girl. No one has liked me back, maybe its my personality, maybe it is how i act, maybe how i look, it would be better for everyone if i just leave them alone, no one likes me, no one at all.