The effect of my past

I’m a High School student now. I live in South East Asia. I was bullied when I was 3 y.o. and until I was at Junior High School. I don’t really know why they did those. Honestly, when I was about 6y.o. I changed, like.. I was brave to fight them back. But… every time I tried to tell someone, parent, teacher… they just look down about that and the worst they turned that to be my fault, they blamed me. They assumed that I did something wrong first so they bullied me. As I grew up, I wondered that people in this country never take it as serious thing. I feel disappointed sometimes to know that. But whatever have been done in my past also give effects to me. I don’t really know how to tell this… I have been bullied, been lied, been threatened, and some. I feel lonely for sure. But the effects just getting worse. I started to feel like afraid to have a trust even with my family (I thought it’s like first step of pistanthrophobia) , I feel uncomfortable at school, public places that noisy, crowded. I started afraid, feel uncomfortable and not like everything about social (social phobia?). I feel like I wish I die, but I’m afraid about the death, also the life. I’m afraid both of life or death. And I feel I have bipolar problem too, cause I changed drastically. Nowadays, I feel like half die or life. I don’t have any feeling, chill. I’m about more mindless too. I even don’t make any expression in my face, no smile or tear. Like really all empty. I do want to be happy. I try to find a reason to still passionately stay alive, and I found it. It’s my dream, but again people like make it break. They against it. I’m confusing what to do. One of my reasons about the dream is for run away and  to live alone, I mean the new life without know anyone. Well, I don’t tell that reason to anyone, I just keep it by myself. I keep avoiding to take photo with whoever it is. I keep look on me in the picture if I forced to take it. I don’t know, I always think that I’m fat enough. It leads me to bulimia and anorexia. I feel my life really complete. I have depression, eating disorders, psychological problems and phobias. I don’t know anymore. Can I just keep going on my dream, the path I want to go through? I’m tired. To be honest, I can tell I’m already ill, but I’m always pretend like nothing happened, like I’m fine even I messing all inside. I feel like… I’m done. Sorry if I tell too much. I’ve never really had someone to talk to, no one care, seriously.