7 years of being bullied

It most likely all started in years 6 when I transferred to that particular school. For me I was so scared and shy to make new friends, my parents would tell me it’s okay I’d make really nice friends but guess they were wrong as soon as I entered the school I was automatically hated, I would get physical, verbal and psychological abuse from those that thought I was scum beneath their feet. They would trip me over, call me names and pull my hair I had no one to support me; no friends, no teacher no one, I remember once I tried to tell a teacher but because my English wasn’t that good she would condemn me for not speaking right, tell me that I would struggle in life because I couldn’t speak right I would tell her about my situation but it was like she would blame me for myself being bullied like I was the cause of it. I learned to believe it was me from year 7 I tried to make friends but again there would be severe issues that lead to being isolated and depressed the whole course of secondary school, people that were the same skin colour as me would be racist they would call me out in front of everyone calling me things like “monkey”, “ape”, that I belonged in the jungle or just consistently call out my race and insult the way I looked. I remember in year 9 I was able to make one friend I thought she was my friend at that time I had Instagram I would post pictures thinking I was pretty but I was worthless there was no point because I never believed but anyway she would comment on my pic that I looked ugly and unattractive I always thought she was right as I had never had someone I could call a friend. Eventually I made some “friends” in year 11 but I always got that overwhelming feeling of loneliness like I could never be loved I was and am worthless,trash,ugly,nothing I developed a toxic mindset leading me to feel suicidal from the starting of year 7 I was tormented at lunch,during school and after school hours I never had a break from bullying it became a mantra that I would repeat in my head “I am and will always be worthless” I believed that even till now bullying basically effected my adulthood that I developed serious anxiety and paranoia I would always be on the edge waiting for something to happen, having panic attacks because I couldn’t talk to my family or anyone because I felt they would judge me disown me for being so weak I would cry myself to sleep every night because I couldn’t sleep. I would isolate myself in college to avoid being the centre of attention, to sum it up bullying stole my confidence, reduced my self esteem to an alarming rate but more so surrounded my mind with negative thoughts .