stay true to you no matter the issue

i don’t know why but i’ve been a victim of bullying my entire life (18 now). Even by those that were supposed to love me and protect me from this messed up world. i was told i was ugly and had a big nose. i was told i was weird and didn’t belong. all i did was try to make others laugh so maybe they would like me but it never worked. i felt alienated and helpless, i moved quite a lot so it was a new scenario frequently. for a while i was an outcast no matter where i went i was always left out of events by the people i called friends, ignored. with age i did learn that i can not please everyone and that if they didn’t like me, oh well. with this mindset i gained a small amount of confidence which attracted a few “friends”. although on the inside it was a never ending battle in my head. i criticized myself 24/7, called myself ugly or annoying on the inside, i was my own worst enemy. later in my life i came to terms that i was gay, something i knew i could not change no matter how hard i tried. i came out to my friends in 9th grade of which i received a lot of support from, but yet and still there were those that just seemed out to get me. saying they were going to hit me just because i was gay. this situation further endangered my best friend of the time because he chose to stand up for me, this would have brought joy to others knowing that they had others that cared enough to do so, but instead i felt grief, pain, self hate, and lack of self worth because he was put in danger based on my existence and i could do nothing to help. even though he was not harmed i still felt anger build up inside of me over something so immature. for a while i was lost but over time i have developed an “i dont care attitude” but i have also harbored anger i wish to get rid of but can’t. what i’ve learned through my now 18 years of living is that yes words do hurt but it only matters if you let it. things will get better and you must stay true to yourself. dont conform for others because even the people who are supposed to love you will make you the worst. it never hurts to put yourself first.